TAKING THE BULLY BY THE HORNS

By Kathy Noll & Jay Carter, MA PsyD

This self-help book explores different ways children and teenagers are bullied (both mentally and physically), how the bully becomes a bully, how the victim becomes a violator (sometimes there's a fine line between the two!), and what can be done about it. This is a serious issue depriving children of self esteem and in some cases leading to violent crimes.

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The authors have given permission to reprint Chapter One along with notes on Embracing The Child site.

SO WHAT'S THIS BOOK ABOUT ANYWAY?

This book is about:
1. Bullies.
2. Kids who are being bullied.
3. Kids who feel bad, but aren't sure what's happening to them or why.
4. Discovering why people act like bullies.
5. Ideas on what we can do about stopping it.

Bullying can make you feel:
1. You're a bad person.
2. You're not good enough.
3. Totally unhappy.
4. Scared.
5. Angry!

Hopefully, this book will help. You see, bullying happens in all places, all over the world, at all times. It's happening right now--and we need to stop it! Maybe we won't be able to stop all the bullies, but we can stop the ones that you have to deal with.

A lot of kids and adults go around bullying people and they don't even realize it. Maybe they grew up with bullies and learned to act like them. Yes, even friends and family members can be bullies. And, of course, their job as "the bully" is to make you feel bad, or about as small as the dot at the end of this sentence.

Bullies bully because you let them get away with it, and they know it. When you do this, you give them more power. They're like helium balloons that have to keep sucking up more air until they get big enough to explode in your face. If you wouldn't let yourself be bullied, bullies wouldn't exist. It's time to pop their balloons!

Now, don't feel bad while reading this book. I wrote it so you stop feeling bad about yourself and do something about it. If you think you are a bully or have ever acted like one, then maybe this book will help you to understand why you do it and how to stop.

Cry if you feel sad, or punch your pillow if you feel angry. Don't hold your feeling inside--and don't blame yourself. It's up to you. Do you want to be happy or not? You do want to be happy, you say? Then, stop letting this happen! I'll show you how.

Hopefully, by the end of this book you'll find yourself thinking, "She's right, I've known this all along," or "That's it! Now I know what to do."
Now let's attack the problem...

1
THE BULLY
Meeting Your Bullies

How many bullies can you name right now? Even if you can't think of any names, it's possible that somebody could be bullying you and you don't even know it.

Has anyone ever made you feel so-o bad about yourself that you developed a hard outer shell or tough skin? First you start believing you're a bad kid because that's what you were told, then you start acting like one. Guess what? Now, you've become the bully. You've turned into a bully so that you can't be hurt by one--ever again. Or so you think.

You might start talking and acting like a tough guy (or girl), but inside you're helpless and scared. You know this. You're not really a bully; it's just a character you're playing so you can't be bullied anymore. You want to win this time. But, you can't win by doing this because you can't really like yourself like this. Anyway, someone else will take the role, like you did, and it will get passed on and on until there's a ton of them ruling the earth and everyone will be miserable! This is called the "Bully Cycle."

Description of a Bully

How do you recognize a bully? Good question, but the answer is "you can't." A bully doesn't physically look any different. It's his actions that give him his title. He knows so-o many different ways he can bully you. If there's something you're proud of, he'll make fun of it. If there's something that means a lot to you, he might break it. He may even lie and tell you it was an accident.

The sneaky bully will get you when you least expect it. He might pretend to like the same things you do, then make fun of you later for liking those same things. He'll keep doing this until he has made you look small. After he can see how rotten he's made you feel, he thinks he has control over you. You're nothing but a robot to him--with buttons he can push to make you feel bad anytime he wants. But, most of the time he feels worse than you. When he's not in control, he's scared. He's afraid of being bullied--maybe from a bully in his past. (Bully Cycle again)

If he thinks you're on to his game, he might stop bullying you for awhile. Soon he's acting as if you're his "good buddy." But don't breathe that sigh of relief just yet. He's actually waiting for you to forget about all the crappy stuff he did to you. That's when he'll catch you off guard and start bullying all over again when you least expect it. It's possible that he was waiting for the right time to beat you out for some sport team or class president. When all along, you thought he was being your friend and supporting you. It's hard to fix this type of bully. They are too sneaky and you can't trust them.

Did you know that a bully acts big, but actually feels pretty small inside? That's why he tries to make you feel bad. He wants you to feel as small as him because he's afraid that you're actually a bigger (meaning "better") person than him. It's really sad if you think about it. The poor guy (or girl).

Maybe he really does want to be your friend but only as long as he can control you. If you accuse him of controlling you, he might get angry and try to make you look like a fool in front of your other friends. He'll tell them that you're a bully because you're accusing him of things. Now, he has you feeling bad again. He's won that round and once again he's in control of you.

Is there something about yourself you don't like? Maybe you're not as tall as you wish you were or your grades haven't been as great as you'd like them to be? If a bully knows these secrets, he'll try to make you feel worse about them. A real friend wouldn't do that. But remember, the bully needs to crush you so he doesn't feel so small. And when you let him do this, you're helping to feed his power. It's not nice what he does, but you need to understand it.

Knowing all this--now how many bullies can you name? Probably more than you can count on both hands--and feet. And your friend's hands and feet for that matter! Even if you had fingers and toes all over your entire body, there wouldn't be enough to count all the bullies you'll meet in your lifetime. Plus, you'd look pretty silly.

PICKING OUT A BULLY
The Mean Bully

This person claims to be your "good buddy." Most of the time, he seems as if he really is your pal. However, he also puts you down a lot. And when you try to tell him you don't like that, he acts hurt or offended. "I'd never put down my best buddy," he whines. "How could you think that?"

Sometimes he even talks about you behind your back. Is he secretly jealous of you? Probably, but he'd never admit it.

He might compliment you a lot, then immediately tell you a bunch of lies about all the bad stuff everyone is thinking of you. He's actually very insecure and enjoys telling you bad stuff about yourself to boost his own ego. He needs to feel bigger (better) than you.

The Meaner Bully

She will always make a big fuss about something you've done wrong. She points out every little mistake you make, to try to make you feel as little as those mistakes. (Try saying that sentence 10 times!) She remembers everything you got in trouble for. (And probably has it written down!) She uses all these negative things about you to make you look bad in front of your friends, or anyone who's foolish enough to listen to her.

She knows she's won when she has you agreeing with her that you're really horrible, bad, stupid... If you try to bring up something good about yourself, she'll turn it around somehow. She only cares about two things: Herself--and being in control of you.

The Meanest Bully!

Stay far away from this one! He's out of control most of the time, and might seem sort of crazy. He obviously has a lot of problems built up inside of him and could explode with anger at any minute. If he isn't acting violent, he's probably throwing verbal threats at you. He'll try to take your things, and if you don't give them up, he'll hold a fist up to you, or tell you how he's gonna physically hurt you.

He might even spit in your face, just for looking at him! You can't figure this type of guy out. Because of all his problems, he doesn't feel good about himself at all. And he doesn't care if everyone hates him or not. It's a shame--he really needs help. Maybe you could tell a parent or his teachers, but tell them not to give your name. (Anonymous tip) The bully might know he really needs help, but still want to bite your head off for interfering.
Be very careful.

Is Anybody Really A Bully?

What is she talking about? (You might be thinking) Of course there are bullies! Isn't this what we've been talking about the whole time? Well, yes and no. First of all, we need to try to believe that everyone has at least some good inside of them. Secondly, as we said before, "the bully" is only a character somebody plays. It's only an "act." You and I may have done a little bullying from time to time, but does that make us "bullies?" It is possible that everyone has played the bully at least once. You'll see when we talk more about the many different games that bullies play. Some are more obvious and down right mean, while others are so-o smooth, you're not even sure how they got you feeling so bad.

You need to know when somebody is bullying you, so you can make it stop before you get hurt. Take notice of anyone who is constantly calling you names, taking your stuff, or making fun of you. Now it's time to check their neck. That's right, you're looking for the zipper to that rubber costume they slip into whenever they need to play "the bully." But, remember, it's only a role-playing game. Try unzipping that bully (not really!) and see if you can see an actual friend peeking out from inside. Maybe this person really does need a friend, or help from the school guidance counselor. If you feel he's worth a friendship, then maybe give him a pat on the back and let him know he's "ok." (Remember, the bully feels pretty small inside.) Or you might say, "I'm going to forget about what you did to me (let it pass), because I like you." But, if he's so nasty that he threatens you or explodes with anger, you're probably better off just staying away from him.

Unfortunately, from time to time, people will slip into their bully costumes and hurt you or someone else for no other reason except to make themselves feel better. Again, this could be from hurt they've experienced in their past. Now, they feel they have to take it out on somebody, and you just happen to be in their path. You haven't actually done anything wrong. Always keep in mind that they have the problem and you're ok.

TO CONTACT THE AUTHORS kthynoll@aol.com

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